Mama's Playground
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✨ Be Happy,
Darlene & Monica
Mama's Playground
Stop Looking for Red Flags—Look for THESE Instead
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Everyone talks about red flags... but what if we're overlooking the qualities that actually make relationships last?
In this episode of Mama's Playground, we flip the conversation and dive into the green flags that often get ignored. From family values and emotional maturity to honesty, communication, consistency, and the little everyday acts that build trust, we discuss what really matters when choosing a partner.
We also share personal stories about dating, marriage, motherhood, and how our definition of a "green flag" has changed over the years.
Whether you're single, dating, married, or simply reflecting on your relationships, this conversation might change the way you see love.
In this episode:
- Why everyone is obsessed with red flags
- Could a "mama's boy" actually be a green flag?
- The danger of chasing butterflies instead of compatibility
- What changes about relationships in your 40s
- The everyday green flags that strengthen marriages
- Why communication beats mind-reading every time
💚 We'd love to hear from you:
What's the biggest green flag in a relationship? Let us know in the comments!
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✨ Disclaimer: We’re not therapists or relationship experts—just two moms sharing real talk, real laughs, and real-life parenting moments.
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Thanks for hanging out with us!
Be happy,
Darlene & Monica
Welcome to Mama. We were both gonna say the same thing at the same time. I looked at you. Uh okay, Johnny, you do it. Do it. You do it. Welcome to Mamas Playground. There we go. You see, everything has a solution. It does. It does.
SPEAKER_01You know, the bloopers are always the best part. You guys don't know what happens behind these cameras. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Especially the bloopers at the first two seconds of the episode.
SPEAKER_01Yes. That's why I have my coffee. Let's see if I can drink my coffee. Darlene. So, so this okay, I need to go straight into what we're gonna talk about. So I told Darlene I saw an episode, or not an episode, I saw uh Yahoo come out with this um article the other day. This was like two days ago, talking about guys and the green flags that they see when they're dating somebody. Again, we're not talking about the red flags, we're talking about the green flags. Okay, and and these guys were going in on it. Actually, the women were going like ballistic because people were saying, or the guys were saying cooking. Cooking is a green flag, right? And there was ladies that were saying stuff like, like, I don't want to cook. So that means that what? I'm not a red, I'm not a green flag because I don't cook. You know, so something like that. People were like just fighting, going back and forth.
SPEAKER_04But first of all, in case you're listening and you don't understand, oh it's understandable, red flags is when you know, when you start dating somebody and it's like it's a red flag. Let's say the person he stood you up or he said he was gonna call you and he didn't call you. Those are red flags.
SPEAKER_01And then the green flags are the good things. Like, why is it okay? So the reason why I said let's speak about this is because I've noticed that when you, at least when I get with a girlfriend that's maybe dating and single or so on, they always talk about the red flags. Everything is no no the the red flag, oh no, no, he mentioned his mom way too much in the conversation. Oh no, no, no, he didn't pull out his wallet right when I needed him to pull out his wallet. No, no, no. He looked the wrong way, and I said to myself, okay, when like how about or or when do we like look at these signs and say, Let me actually give it an opportunity? And maybe what I'm thinking is a red flag really isn't a red flag, it's actually a green flag.
SPEAKER_04I remember back in the day, if they were too nice, it was like, oh my god, no, he's too nice. I cheekle him. I don't check him. He calls me too much, he likes me too much, and yeah, that back in the day could have been like a red flag. Like, oh my god, he calls me like right on the dot. But now those are the things that are not red flags, like they turn into green flags because you want somebody that's gonna wanna be with you and wanna be pegajoso. Well, depending how much how how pegajoso it's like. How pegoso. If you like, if you if I like you, be pegajoso. If not, don't. But those red flags kind of turn into uh green flags as we get older.
SPEAKER_01So I I want to give you an example of why I thought about this. The other day I was talking to a friend that she's single and she's you know, she's been dating and so on, and she said that this guy was, you know, he's very pendant like on his mom, like on his mother, you know, of like checking in on her and that he's very close to his mom. And as I'm listening to the the conversation, I'm like, okay, you know, maybe when I was in my early 30s, I mean, if if if they were always only talking about their mom and every five minutes they were calling their mom, maybe I would have been like, Could have been cute. I mean, or I would have thought maybe like, oh no, is it a mom's other way around? Is it a mama's exactly this is a mom because that's how she's taking it. She's like, oh no, no, no. She's like, at this age, she's in her 40s, you know, she does she's single. She's like, How am I at this age going to date somebody that all he thinks about is his mom? And I said, Listen, how many dates have you gone on? She's like, Oh, about three. And I was like, How do you know that after the third date, just because he's talked to you about his mom, like he's a family guy?
SPEAKER_04Okay, yeah. But if it's three dates, and if she's already saying that, and it's only three dates when he's supposed to be putting more focus on her. But he has been. They've been going out, everything's been good.
SPEAKER_02But she's like, but he mentions his mom a lot.
SPEAKER_01So I'm just like, okay, we gotta see you in the context. I'm like, wait one second, but can this be a green flag? And you're just automatically going, oh no, no, no, no, no. This guy, I if we get together, all he's gonna want to do is be with his mom. It's like a mama's boy, you know? And I've seen so many people say that. Like, I have another friend, which now I'm thinking about and it makes me laugh. She's like, the lady lives with them, like the mom lives with them. So every day she's like, I cannot wait till she's not here. And I'm like, Don't say that. That is horrible. How are you gonna say that? She's like, I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the time. She's 90, she should be gone already.
SPEAKER_02I go, Oh my god, stop, stop saying that.
SPEAKER_01I was like, So bad. And I said, Is it that bad? She goes, Yes, that's it. I'm over it. And I said, Don't say that. That's his mom. Like, you know, at the end, I I think of it too because I'm a boy mom. And I'm like, I would hate, I would hate my kid's girlfriend or wife or fiance or whatever, saying, I cannot wait till this lady is out of the picture, you know? That would be so, so mean. I hope I am never that mom. I'm sure there is terrors of mother-in-laws out there. I'm sure of it.
SPEAKER_04You know what's funny? That that I was reading the other day uh an article, and it said, like, the most difficult moms. And I'm glad that my mother-in-law doesn't listen to this, but my husband does. It's just funny because I have a friend. It's okay, they don't listen to this either. She's from Mexico and she has a lot of issues, like with her mother-in-law. So I don't know why, you know, all these things that come up in, you know, in social media, all these articles that pop up for us. And there was one which are the hardest mother-in-laws to deal with. So if first place, Mexico, second place, Colombia. Oh my lord, yeah. Third place, Argentina. Really? Yeah. Third place, Argentina. And I'm I'm like, wow. But then I send it to my friend, and you know who I'm talking about. And I'm gonna do your screw for your first place. But you see, I I mean, we're Latinas, but I don't think you're gonna be like that mom, that's like super overprotective. When Noah and Jacob turn 45, treat them as 45-year-old moments. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01But it's a different culture. Yeah, it's a different that's another thing. That's an all thing, but it does relate, right? Because even then, I know I've talked about this. I'm married to a Colombian. I've I hang out with a lot of Colombians. Um, and I do see it. I do see that the that the mothers have created, at least from the older generation, they're they're getting a little bit newer, you know, more uh the the younger generations are getting a little bit more, excuse me, getting a little more relaxed and a little bit more not so overbearing in like, oh, it's the boy, and I gotta do everything for the boy, and you know, this stuff.
SPEAKER_04Like it's but you know when it comes handy when your husband has to go into surgery and she comes to visit, it's like, go take care of your boy. Go take care of your boy because I'm gonna go get my nails done.
SPEAKER_01But you know, I I like I feel bad, but I then I don't feel bad because there is some mother-in-laws that are overbearing, right? There are ones that are overbearing that are in there in every decision that you want to make and so on. But I what what I was telling her is listen, you've only gone on three dates. He mentions his mom what? Did he start the conversation at dinner going, my mom, and I need to calm my mom? I mean, like at that point I would have been like, this is this is a red flag. This is definitely like, or did he just mention, like, oh, I'm really close to my mom, and I as like, what was the context of the you know, of the actual conversation? Because listen, if the first date he's like, Well, you know, I like to do this and that, and I love to spend time with my mom.
SPEAKER_03I mean, there's nothing wrong with that. They're like having sex, and there's like a frame picture of him and his mom in the table. It's like, honey, can you put that picture down? No, that would be karma is with a bitch, and you are a boy mom.
SPEAKER_02I know let me tell you, I need to make sure I do this right. You wanted her to do this episode. I gotta, I don't even know.
SPEAKER_01It was just it was funny because I'm thinking of like all the conversations I've had recently, and again, let's let's bring it back. I'm trying to not bring up red flags. I want to bring up green flags.
SPEAKER_03That's why we're wearing green today. I was gonna say something, but it would be so me.
SPEAKER_02No, no, but but think do you want it out on air? Do you want it out on air or not before you say it? Let's just skip it.
SPEAKER_01Anyway, so I was what I was telling her is okay, give me like more context to this, you know, to this conversation. Because what I was gathering from the conversation is he just mentioned his mom, like, oh, I'm close to my mom. Um, I don't know if he's he and only child. No, I think he is the oldest, right? And I said, okay. I said, why is it is it flipped? For instance, I'm very close to my mom. Very close to my mom. I talk to her probably every single day, not like, you know, 24 hours a day, but I always talk to her like at nighttime before going to bed and so on. So I said, why does it have to be a red flag? Like, why don't you look at it in another perspective? Obviously, give the guy the opportunity, you know? Unless, again, again, in every date from up from the first to the third, it was my mom, my mom, my mom, my mom. I understand that it would be like, okay, come on. You know, we're on a date and all you talk about is your mom. I would, I would stop dating him, to be honest.
SPEAKER_04Because it, you know what? If it's the third date and there's already a situation, it's it can get worse. Of course. And you know, and it's okay, but I just feel that when a husband gets married or the other way around, and it's like the wife's mom or dad that are being like too, you know, like in your face. Then I just feel that every parent, and it'll happen to us eventually after they get married, we shouldn't have a say in whatever happens in the relationship, whatever decision they're gonna make, if they wanna buy a dog, if they wanna buy a car, if they wanna go on vacation, uh, that's something that it should be respected. It's their decision. And by respecting, it means also do not give opinions. Like just sip it, you know, unless they, you know, the son comes and asks you, or the daughter comes and asks. But for me, that's very important, and and just understanding that generations are different. So if you go visit your daughter-in-law or your son-in-law, like know that whatever happens in that household, it's what's happening now. You know, it's what's current, it's what your kid uh decided the family is gonna be and the morals and the values. And they just need to know like there's boundaries and not just them knowing as the in-laws, but the husband, the wife. They need to know when to, hey, mom, dad, this is let us do our thing, you know, kind of like a thousand percent.
SPEAKER_01I believe a a thousand percent was.
SPEAKER_04But in your the case of your friend, if she's not married to him and the they're not married, she's all he's only talking about mom, then you know what? Go marry up.
SPEAKER_01This is but this is but but this is what I asked. I said, hold on one second. You need to also, because what I've also realized too with my friends, again, we're in our 40s, we're not in our 20s anymore. Your standards get a little bit different and things change, and you're looking for other things. It gets to a point when you are in your, you know, at this age, you're looking for stability. You're looking for somebody that respects you, you're looking for somebody that, you know, when they say they're gonna do something, they actually do it. You're looking for other things. It's not just, oh, let's go out to the club and let's party. That was awesome when I was in my 20s. Let me tell you, it was awesome in my 20s to be with somebody and just go have fun and party it up and not think, you know, behind that what else is there? Is he gonna give me uh the things that I want, you know, and vice versa, right? But since we're talking from like uh about men, like you you have to start looking at things in a longer, um, you know, a longer outcome.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Not just there. And I said to her, look, it's been three dates. Now, again, if it was every single conversation with my mom, my mom, my mom, I could understand. I go, but if he mentions his mom in a nice way, like, oh, I like I love my mom. I'm very close to my family, I'm a very family guy. I go, those are things that are a green flag because you, as you get older and as you get married and as you have kids, and as you start your family and all this, you want somebody that's family-oriented. Oh, okay. You want somebody that that is family-oriented, that cares about his mom because you know what? If he cares about his mom, he's gonna care about his kids. 100%. He's gonna care about, you know, making you happy with your family or trying to find the middle ground. So that's how I see it.
SPEAKER_04I just feel that it's a matter of giving everybody its own space and just and like you said, respect. You need also that respect from your spouse regarding the in-laws. Like, if you're the mom or the dad is telling you this, this, this, and that, and your wife or husband is saying the contrary, don't be like, don't give that your spouse your back. Absolutely. You know, it's not that you have to agree with your spouse, but give them the benefit of the doubt, or just go outside and speak to them. Hey, how do you want to handle this? Or I just feel like once you get married, this is your buddy, man. This is the person that you chose. Yeah, and yes, there's a love for your parents, there's a love for your kids when you have them, but that love and respect for your spouse with the one that's gonna be there when your parents are gone, the one that's gonna be there when your kids are gone to college, this is the person that you're really gonna grow old with. So that respect has to go above and beyond everything else, I feel. But going back to your friend's date, also, one thing to think is like we don't know if the person is sick, if you know, we're in a context. All the people that you're probably gonna be dating in your 40s and your 50s have if they still have their parents around, they might need extra help. Yeah, or they are taking those years to say, like, this is what I have left. Like we were talking in the episode on summer that you were saying we only have 18 summers with our kids. So this is probably a thing that you think, you know, this is the only time that I have with my parents, this is what I have left, more or less, and you want to make the most of it. And going on that, another thing, it's okay that you want to spend time with them also, but remember, like, there's things that you have to do also alone with your partner. Oh, absolutely. There has to be a boundary. Yeah, for example, if they want to go on vacation, they're just starting to date, and he goes, I want to bring my mom, then it's like, come on.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there has to be a mix. I understand spending the quality time as a complete family if you still have your parents around, but there has to be that priority of the family that you started. And I do see, I do, and thankfully I don't have that situation. I get along with my mother-in-law, and she's not that person to like, you know, be Meticha and all that stuff. She's said her things, but she's not like that. Um, I do see that um, you know, that there is mother-in-laws that can be a nightmare, you know, and that and that comes maybe from their own insecurity of of losing their baby, uh, boy, for them, it's always gonna be their baby. I think my kids will always be my baby, but I I have it very clear that I hope and that I never cross that boundary. I hope that the day that I have uh, you know, una nuera, or you know, that I have it's una nuera, right? That's what it is in Spanish. Yeah. When I have una nuera, that I am friends with her. Like I think that that that she can come to me and that I could treat her like a daughter.
SPEAKER_04You know, you're gonna be a good one. You know, you don't know. I hope. I hope you're gonna be a good one. I have a friend who has a son that I'm like, oh, that one would scare me. Why? I'm not even gonna say name. No, but that one would scare me because it's like yeah, character.
SPEAKER_01Is it but that's the thing, and then there and there's the the women that I get it, that they never let loose or they never let go of the fact that their baby is no longer a baby and started their own life, and they want to do everything for them, and they want to be included in every decision. And I've heard of that, and I say, Wow, I cannot even think like I I I could never, I can't fathom being that person, and thankfully I have never had that in my in my situation, you know. But, anyways, I was this this whole episode is about the green flag, yeah. Let's move away from that. The green flag. So, what I was telling her is basically, let's why don't you flip it again? This is it's three dates in. Um, it's not like what I understood from the conversation, because again, you know, you only get snippets here and there, is she said about the mom, but I said, you know, how much? You have to really put it in context, you know. Was it the whole entire three hours that you were talking? He was about the mom, the mom, the mom. Then I understand. But if it wasn't like that, and it was more like, you know, I help with my mom, like my mom is you have to also maybe flip it and say, Wow, this could be a green flag for me in the future. If I do like him and I do get along with him and we have a chemistry, like this could be something good for me because he's a family guy. Like, you know, it just depends on no buttons.
SPEAKER_04I would stop it if you see from I no, I would stop it right now because if it's three dates where the conversation should be, I don't know, I don't it's I don't know. Although, although if that's the only thing that's gonna bother her, then it's not that bad. But she likes him to be able to do that. But it could get bad.
SPEAKER_01She so she likes him, they're attracted to each other, they've got, and he's been very like, he calls her, like everything is good. He just mentioned his mom, and but that's why I said, how many times did he mention his mom? Because if it was the whole conversation that you have every single time is like, oh, wait, let me call you back because I gotta take care of my mom, which is nice and it's respectable. But if it's every single time and the mom is in the background going, Mijito, ven para acá, que necesito, and she's always there, then I'd start looking at it like, well, hold on, let me think.
SPEAKER_04Because let me tell you, I could see moms doing that too. Like they just want like the attention, and it's anything that goes wrong. I need help with this, and help me with that, and I can put my socks, and can you help me with the other? I know moms that have done that. Um, that is more like I just want him here, but anyway, so let's talk about other type of green flags. Okay, uh, hold on, hold on.
SPEAKER_01I have another, I have another like let's change the subject. No, we're gonna move from the mom thing, right? This was just one, you know, particular situation, right? I had another friend. Okay, this is another friend. Now she's divorced, she got married, and when she got married, uh she was in love. When I say in love, she was in love with this man, and he always wanted to spend time at home. He didn't want to go out, he always wanted to be home. He's like, I want to go home, let's barbecue, let's watch a movie, like I don't care to go out and party. And she got to a point, I don't know if it was like two years into the relationship that she was like bored? She was a little bored because she wanted to go out and she wanted to, you know, she wanted to, you know, still do things, right? Yeah. And they didn't have kids together. He had he didn't have kids, she had kids from a previous marriage, and they're older already. But she's like, you know, she was bored, so she would start nagging to him, like, hey, you know, I want to go out, let's do this. And he's like, No, I just want to stay home. Like, let's stay home, let's barbecue UNI, let's watch a movie. Things at home, but spending time with her, right? So lo and behold, she starts going out by herself. And she's like, Well, if you want to stay home, then I'm gonna go out with so-and-so, and I'm gonna go get a drink. So those things started ending up being a that she was going out maybe two to three times out of the month with the girlfriends because he wasn't going out. To cut a long story short, uh, this starts causing friction, obviously. You know, you're a married woman, you're constantly out, this and that, yeah. And take me out. Exactly. Well, that was and she started feeling so she was going through her own thing, and long story, they do end up getting a divorce. I'm not gonna go into all the the specifics, but what happens is six months, eight months, a year into it, I remember her telling me, um, you know what, I miss him. And I he had so many good things, and I love him and I adore him, and I I messed up. I messed up, I messed up. It was me because I was just feeling, I don't know, vulnerable at the time, and I just wanted to go out and feel pretty and get dressed and and this and that, and I didn't realize that I had everything I needed at home, and I took that for granted.
SPEAKER_04Now, granted, I mean granted, I I I know that that can be kind of like he could have also made the effort of saying, you know what, let's go out one night. I know couples that they have date nights once a month, some have it like once a week, and they have kids, and it's so healthy. So if your wife or husband is telling you, Come on, I want, let's do this, let's do this, let's do this, do it. Yeah, come do it, be my partner. Go out, be partner. And when you get married to somebody, not everybody's the same, and there's sacrifices that have to be made in different levels. If you used to do something a lot, now you don't have enough time for that, then you do it with your wife or whatever. But I mean, if you're somebody, let's say you get married to somebody that loves to go salsa dancing, and you don't do it much. And I say this because I've been telling Luna Luna Fabian.
SPEAKER_02I've been telling Fabian, let's go salsa dancing, and he ignores me. So, Tom, looking, you don't like to salsa dance? Take me, you can sit on a chair while I go and dance.
SPEAKER_04My friends used to do that because when you go to these places, they ask you out. It's like, hey, I'll do it. You'll be like, I'll dance for you. I'll dance for you. Um, but no, like if if this person is telling him, let's go out, let's do something, and all he wants to do is sit at home and which is fine. Like it's great to have like a chill night. But if she has that urge and that thing, because the fact that we're getting older doesn't mean that we just want to just do Netflix and sit in the couch and not. Netflix and chill, yeah. Like, no, you have to stay active. You know, when I go see my mom, she lives in an over 55 community. And I what every time I go, you see all these older people. It's 55 and over, but we're talking about 80 year olds playing it. Used to be tennis, now they change it to pickleball, the cord, and it's like packed. They're like taking turns to play. And I go, that's amazing. Like, look at that. So, but going back to her, if It's in her, like I want to feel pretty, I want to go out. At least she went to him and asked him first. She did.
SPEAKER_01She was like, I want to go out. You know, I wanna, you know, do whatever. I don't know exactly. Again, you you know that internally you don't know people's exact details, but I do know that when everything happened, um she was arrepentida. She was arrepentida because she said now that I am going out and I'm doing the things that I wanted to do, which obviously she wanted to do with him and it wasn't happening, and then she started doing it on her own. She was like, I miss, I don't even care to go out anymore. I wish that I could go back to the time that I could just sit at home and watch a movie cuddled in the sofa with him. But at the long run, that wasn't not gonna make her happy either. But that's that's what I was, you know, it's it's true. It's at the end of the day, it's like at the moment that it was happening, you were not, you know, you were you were not happy with it. You did want a little bit of like uh a date night every so often. You did want to go out, you know, young again and feel young again. So it's right now you're arrepentida because you already maybe for the past year you've been going out, but the thing was you wanted to do it with him, and he didn't he didn't want to. So I don't know, there's there's things like I watch him be now like remarried and hanging out with his new wife and he's remarried, he is remarried with his new wife, everything they uh, and that that killed that is so sad. That killed that killed her. I mean, it's been yes a couple of years, but I remember it killed her. She had to go like and yet she started going like to church and she started looking for, you know, just like something to ease the anxiety, right? Because she's like, What do I do? I I feel like I destroyed the marriage because I was being selfish. And I said, I don't think it's being selfish. I feel like she was being true to herself. You were being true to yourself, and you have to understand that you know, you're looking at it now from the outside because you're no longer in the marriage, but you were not happy when it was going on. Now she looks at it like those were all green flags. Like everything he wanted was something good, that he wanted to be at home with me, that he wanted to barbecue at home and do something just us. And I don't know, she's like, I feel like I took it for granted. And I said to her, you know, you don't don't look at it that way because when it was happening, you weren't a hundred percent. You weren't feeling good. So I don't know, you know. But she feels like those were green flags now. That now I think if somebody came around and said to her, you know what? I want to be with you, but I'm not a person that likes to go out. Um, yeah, we could go to dinner maybe once or twice, but I like to be home and I like to spend time with my woman. She might be like, you know what? I'm all for it now. You know what I'm saying? Like how things change. Yeah, you know, from different perspectives.
SPEAKER_04Back in the day, I remember being, you know what? He likes me too much. I don't like him. And then you would always want like the one that was hard to get. The bad boy. The bad boy, the bad boy, the one that wouldn't call you. Yes, yes. But let me, I got tired of that. Let me tell you, it was 2010. I remember I was done with that. I was talking to a few people at the same time, and I just remember, I don't know, there were so many red flags. I was doing my thing in LA, so everything was kind of long distance, which was great. But then things changed for me. Things that had attracted me to these people really became, you know, the red flags, and I started seeing what I was missing from them in other people. Then it would become like I don't know, like it was just a waste of learning what it is that I want in a relationship. Yeah, and I remember taking a piece of paper and writing down, which I strongly recommend. This is the red flags that are non-negotiable. And then you start writing, and you start writing about the green flags, exactly what you want in a relationship or in a job or in anything, and it it'll come to you. It happened to me. I forgot to put some details, but it's okay. I'm like, I should have written these, but hey, we're not all perfect.
SPEAKER_02No, we're definitely not perfect.
SPEAKER_01We are definitely not perfect. No, it's it's funny because I feel like in society, we all want to talk about again, we're not dating. We have our husbands, you know, we've been in a relationship for a long time. But when you talk to your friends that either have been divorced or never been married and now they're dating, and you start to realize that everywhere it's like the red flag, the red flag. That's a red flag. Oh, forget it. He chewed gum the wrong way, that's a red flag. And I start to say to myself, I feel like it gets to a point, obviously, if it's something that irks you and something that is like, oh my God, and you feel it in your gut that it's like, I cannot, like, I just can't pass this. Okay, granted. But if it's like little things, I mean sometimes I feel like you do need to just give it a chance and maybe look at it on a different perspective, as how I said, like, uh, you know, with the whole mom thing. I don't want to bring the whole mom thing conversation back, but with the whole mom thing, it's like, you know, how many times was it said? Like just because he mentioned his mom once, are you gonna already? Oh no, that's it. He's a mama's boy. Green, like people. But if he did it on three dates. I don't know if he did it. To be honest with you, I don't know if he did it on three dates. She just mentioned like he mentioned his mom like several times. So for me, it was kind of like, well, how uh what if it's a green flag? What if this guy has everything that you're looking for and you're knocking it just because of this? Now, granted, it goes into context, it goes into how you felt when you were on your date and the gut feeling that you get. I always say, listen to your gut. Listen to your gut. And lots of times I feel like, like, for instance, when we're in our 20s and you're dating and you're having fun, you're not really looking at it so deep, right? You're not looking at You're not thinking about marriage and kids. Yeah, I mean, now I feel like some of them are. I think some people now in their 20s, granted, we're in our 40s that are in their 20s now, are looking at that, are looking at like, is he marriage potential?
SPEAKER_04If you're a girl in your 20s, if you're listening to this or if you know one, my advice would be freeze your ex. Don't think about I want to date this guy, or I met this guy and I like him, I want to marry him. Freeze your ex. Because if that doesn't work out and the other one doesn't work out, and you get to your 40s and you're still not married, you don't have that stress of I want that's if you want to be a mom. And even if you don't, because you might not want now, and then you hit your 40s and you're like, I want a family, you know what? Freeze your ex for sure. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I wish I would have done that for sure. Absolutely. Yeah, you never you never know what life has to bring. Um, you know, talking about the the green flags, I think again, like we just said, when you're in your 20s, it's one thing. When you are in your our age now, it's another thing.
SPEAKER_04Which were the green flags in your 20s? Do you remember like what you were attracted to? I was always attracted to the bad boy.
SPEAKER_01That's that was a thing. I was always with, well, my ex was a musician. I remember when I met him, he was all with the tats and the this and that and that. That was always what attracted me. It was the physical, yeah, with the long hair and the guitar and all that stuff. And then I remember, actually, now that you say that, I remember a friend of mine that was also very much into the music scene with the, you know, the musician, boyfriends, and all that. When she got married, she got married to a politician. And she got married to a politician.
SPEAKER_04Is that a good thing though?
SPEAKER_01But think it's completely different. Politicians are not tatted up, they don't have the long hair, it was very cut, you know, very suit and very.
SPEAKER_04Those were the ones you gotta be scared of because the musician is letting it all out there. It's me, but the politicians are like, I need to seem good, and then all the time.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, no, no, and it's something else. But I'm saying it was like night and day from what she had always been with to, you know, and she said to me Interesting. This was years ago, she said, I stopped chasing the bad boy. I started realizing what was the the good things. It might be the boring guy that looks boring, but he fulfills me in other things. That the bad boy I had to be chasing him all day long. I mean, I don't know, financially. Darlene's doing this money sign, and I'm like, well, that could also be, you know. But that's another thing. In our age range, too, like if you're dating, you want somebody that's not, I'm not saying, okay, lots of people are like, find the man with the money. Where's the money? But not in the 20s, you want to marry the rock star. You want to, well, you're in like another, another world. But when you are in your 40s, I don't say, I don't think, at least for me, if I was dating right now, I don't think it would be so much. Let me find the millionaire that's gonna take care of me. That's not my mentality. My mentality is somebody financially stable. I think financially stable and responsible. Responsible. That's a green flag for me. Somebody that knows. Yes, somebody that keeps tabs and says, you know what? Um, you know, I have this all planned out. Um, you know, I have my trips planned out, and they're just responsible. They're not somebody that's going crazy with their credit cards, and now they're like $200,000 in the hoe and they never told you about it. You know, I don't want to deal with that. You know? So you come into different things that are our green flags. Somebody that, you know, at this point that we're married and that we have kids, somebody that can just say, This is a very green flag, can say, What do you need? I already took out the clothes for the kids. It's already there on the bed. I already did breakfast for them. I already, I mean, things that you don't have to say, that is such a green flag. That is for me more than a green flag. It's like, wow, that's hot. It's a dream. I know it's sexy. That is very sexy. What do you mean? I didn't have to tell you. That's amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Uh, that's I don't know. I mean, that's that's for me.
SPEAKER_02I I I I don't know.
SPEAKER_04For me, the green lights, I'm trying to think because I asked you the question and then I'm like, do I know the answer? I used to go for it, it was just fun. Fun, somebody that would make me laugh, somebody. This was when we were younger. Um it was more that somebody that would dance with me that would make me happy, but that obviously changes because I could be married to the guy that oh, you're making me laugh and you're fun, but then you have another if there's other stuff going on. Now, for me, the same thing. You did the dishes, you um and just quality time, just Fabian works a lot, and the last couple of days we've been able to spend more time together, and for me, that's that's it. I love that companionship, and I think a lot about the future. Who do I want to grow old with when Luna's not around, although Fabian says that I'm probably gonna follow her everywhere. But um, just when we have, you know, the emptiness that we've talked about, that knowing that I am with somebody that I'm having fun with, and that makes me happy that I feel that companionship. Not only that you're gonna take care of me when you have to wipe my butt when I'm older and I can do it. Not only that, but just the little things that walking with the grandkids and just holding my hand, and it's more that I don't want to ever miss the touch. And I wish we could feel those butterflies always.
SPEAKER_01Now that you mention butterflies, so that is one thing that people chase. When you are dating somebody, we can't except TLC. What do you mean? Long go chasing butterflies. You got me stuck into look at Darlene, Darlene. Now I'm gonna sound like a reject that I didn't know the freaking uh song. It's waterfalls, not butterflies.
SPEAKER_04Okay, so back to the butterflies.
SPEAKER_01No, so it's not that you're okay. That's another thing. So usually when people are dating, when you first start dating, right? You are like, oh, he gives me butterflies. It's like this, like, oh, this chemistry. And I've had friends that have gone off of this butterfly effect, right? This but everything is oh, the butterflies, this and that. And they forget to look at the other things that are behind this person. They end up getting married, okay? They end up getting married, time starts passing, and it's no longer about the butterflies, because you know butterflies fade. It becomes now your day in, day out of everything, and then the other shit starts to come out, right? That either they're not helpful, they're not uh things turn into red flags, but you're already in the relationship. You are already in the relationship. No, correct. But it's like this is a thing. So when you are dating, these are things that if you're dating for the long run, if you're dating to find that partner that you're gonna marry and you wanna have start a family with, if you want a family, like all those things. I feel like you have to really analyze things because people are very quick to say things are red flags, and that is like society. Now I think it's like social media. That's a red flag, everybody has a night. That's a red flag. She did that. That's a red flag. But it depends for who, too, because come on. No, for sure. Yeah, but people are very quick to always talk about the red flag. Nobody says the good things. It's like it's very easy to point out the bad things. So it's besides the butterflies, besides that, it's like besides how they make you feel, like, are they courteous to little things? Did he, you know, have does he have chivalry? Did he open up the door for me? Did he call me to see if I got home safe? Did he it's just little things.
SPEAKER_04Call me, call me on his way home from work. Yeah. For me, it's I don't know, it's weird, but that's one thing that and I tell because Fabian he works far and I'm home alone with Luna, and I put like a little thing in the door now, so when the door opens, I hear it, because he would come up, not tell me that he was home, and it would scare the shit out of me. Yeah, yeah. So I'm always like, either call me and see how and to see how we're doing, uh, tell me you're on your way back, if I need to, you know, heat some food, but just call me. And for me, that's become something that and it's funny because he does call his mom on his way home. I had to go back there. But no, the little things, and and like when I'm putting Luna to sleep and I hear the dishes, I'm like, oh, he's doing the dishes. Green, green, green flag. But do flags exist though when we're already in a relationship? No, I don't think so. It's time. You're already there. That's why this red flag.
SPEAKER_01Flags are like the race is over. There is no flag. That's why you when you're dating, you have to really look at everything. So it's not like chasing just the butterflies because you gotta look at the rest of the layers, right? Whatever else is going on there. You know, the little things. Because people are again, either two things. They're very like, oh, the chemistry was great, the sex was great. Yeah, listen, sex can be amazing with more than one person. It can, it can be amazing. You can have chemistry with many different people, but that doesn't mean that because you had great sex and great chemistry, that that person's gonna be good marriage material. That is the truth. It might even be that the guy that was so eh, whatever, in bed might be the perfect husband for you that fulfills everything that you're looking for.
SPEAKER_04Nobody's perfect, you gotta sacrifice somewhere in bed, in the kitchen, chores and finances, and social activities.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I mean, if somebody can come on here and tell us, you know what? No, I've got the man. I mean, if you do, that's amazing. That has that doesn't fall short in anything. Amazing sex, still to this day, after 20 years of being together. That's you um, I mean, I'm not gonna go into my personal stuff. I didn't know if you were talking about you guys.
SPEAKER_02My relationship is good, it's good.
SPEAKER_01Okay, you're talking about in general. In general. 20 years, okay, a sex account. Um, you know what? Oh my god, he wakes up every morning, he cooks breakfast for me, he does all the dishes, he takes care of the kids, he does this, uh, he's perfect, he keeps himself uh muscular all day long. He has a six-pack after 30 years and he's 60 years old. Like all these things. If you have that, I mean, please tell me because that to me doesn't exist. There's always somebody that's going to fall short somewhere. And it's not fall short, it's life, you know? And so this is where when you're dating, you say, before you, you know, pull the plug and say we're gonna get married. Did you really analyze the situation? Are you only getting married to this person because he gives you butterflies? But what about the rest? What about the rest of the things? Or did you stop dating somebody because he mentioned his mom in two occasions? Like, did you give it benefit of doubt? What about if that guy was actually good? You have everything else as a check, but he mentioned his mom more than once. No, red flag. He's got 10 green flags, but that one red one stopped me from the thing is that that one red one could become bigger. Oh, I for sure. Yeah, so that's but Darlene, how many times do people end up going into a relationship? Because again, oh, the butterflies and the sexual chemistry was amazing. And now we're not, you know, we're we're gonna uh say yes, I do, and now two years fall down the line, responsibilities, and then you start seeing other things that you're like, shit.
SPEAKER_04I was only focused on this one thing, and what about everything else? And now that we have kids, he's not helping me do this, he's not putting the effort, he's not coming to the activities with me, he's going out with his buddies, or I mean, people change, and I remember one time Jennifer Aniston, this was when she was with Brad Pitt, and I thought they were like the perfect couple. I was way younger, and I remember seeing her in an interview, I think it was with Oprah, and she was asked about her marriage, and she said, Well, you know, I don't believe that there's like soulmates, you know, people change, and and this is when they were good. Yeah, and I'm thinking, oh my gosh. I thought she was gonna be like, Yes, he's my soulmate, and forever and ever we'll be in love. And she put it today, we're together. If tomorrow doesn't happen, then I don't believe in soulmates, maybe it was somebody else. And I said, interesting, because again, those little red flags could turn into something bigger, and then other red flags can appear already when you're married, when you're like, Oh shit, I didn't think about this because you never like, but it's again the race is over, there's no flags. This you you're there unless it becomes into something that that's it, you can no longer deal with it. And the same thing happens with men, with our husbands. They we all change through our our years, you know. Now that we're in our 40s, I feel like we're in our bodies right now, where we know who we are, we've experienced more, we kind of know more of what we want, what we don't want, what we tolerate, we date it.
SPEAKER_01But for somebody that's getting married, like in their 20s, that's a little bit where I'm scared of because you could be so different 20 years from now, the way you think, the way you see life, the way that's why, that's why when I see people say, I have such a great time, we go out partying every weekend. This I'm talking about in their 20s. We go to a club and we drink, and this happened to a friend of mine. It was every weekend they were out, her and her, you know, now husband or whatever. Um, every weekend was out. They were going to this, they were going to that, they were drinking, living it up, having the best time with a social setting by themselves, everything. And then what happens is you get caught up in the moment of it's fun. This is so much fun, fun, fun, fun. You're not looking at the other things, and then you get into a marriage. Fuck marriage, man. You see everything. They were having fun, they were going to concerts. I mean, but it it's it's you know, you want to start a family, you want to do it, you want to get married, you want to say, Oh my god, I love this person, whatever. But you really have to look and say, Do I love this person and do I want to marry this person because I just have fun? Because fun will fade out. Sexual chemistry, sex will fade out eventually. There has to be other things holding your relationship together. And it's respect, common interests, that they, you know, that they uh, you know, think about you, that they, you know, put you. I don't want to say that you have to be up on a pedestal at all times, but that they are considerate of you.
SPEAKER_04There's so many other people choose you, they put you number one that they choose you.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Again, going into your 20s, sometimes I feel like people get caught up into just living, which is fine because you want to live the now, you don't have tomorrow, but they forget to look at everything as a whole, and then that's when you're already in it. You start saying, Oh my god, that was always there. I just never paid attention because I was having so much fun. And now shit, now look at this. This is way like this is not what I signed up for. Yes, you did, you just weren't paying attention to it. You know? So you have the time when you're dating to actually analyze all these things, and it goes vice versa. Again, with the article from Yahoo with the guys talking about the green flags on of the women, a lot of them were like, Oh, that she cooks for me, that she pampers me, that she does this. Obviously, a lot of women were having a conniption over these things. They were like, What do you mean? Oh, you just want a maid, you want this, and I can see it goes the other way. But it goes, it goes both, it goes both ways. It goes both ways. For instance, I'm not a person that loves to cook. I'm not here with a plate of food every single time my husband gets home from work. Here you go, you know. I'll cook every so often, but I have other things that are probably, you know, green flags for him that supersede the fact that I don't cook every single day or have a meal for him, you know? I'm just talking about one thing. So it's like, I don't know, dating is tricky. Dating is tricky. I feel sometimes people will let go of good people because they find one red flag and that's it. And they're they're very quick to say, forget it. Next, next. He doesn't have money, he doesn't drive a Bentley, which a lot of us in South Florida, we've seen this before with all a lot of women here. They are looking for the man that just has, you know, the Lamborghini.
SPEAKER_04You want somebody that can provide? Absolutely. But that can't be the only thing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I'm sorry, you could have the man that has all of those. Let's say you're the woman that says, nope, I don't want to work. I already have it in my thing. I'm in my 40s, I'm not gonna do it. Uh, I'm divorced already, I've already been there, done that, and I want somebody to take care of me. Granted, that's awesome. You put what you what you want on that list for yourself. But if all you're gonna be doing is chasing butterflies, which is the guy with the nice watch and the nice shoes, and that he has a very nice career and that he has And the nice booty and nice everything. What happens when that man is too busy for you because he's always working, because that's how he provides, and that's how he has all these nice things, and he never pays attention to you. You know, this is the things that people forget to analyze. You know? And so you go chasing one thing when it's not one thing. There's just so many layers. You can't look for perfection.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. You just have to look for something that that even the little red flags, if they turn into bigger red flags, you still can live with it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah. We we definitely don't want a vagabond. You don't want somebody that's like, Okay, so what are you doing today? No, I'm home. It's like Thursday. And they're like, no, you know, the whole week I've been here, you know, in my PJs watching TV. And then, yes, they're driving around a clunker that, you know, the the wheels are falling off, and then the guy looks like he never takes care of himself. Well, that might be a red flag, you know? That might be like, Well, what am I signing up for?
SPEAKER_02You know, he doesn't care for no self-care there. He's not gonna take care of yourself.
SPEAKER_01There is the extreme house, and there is granted, you know, the things that you could say, okay, but at the same time, you know, I feel like people just chase one thing and there's so many other things behind it. So you can chase the great sex, you can chase the guy with a lot of money, you can chase, but then what are the other things? Because once you are married, the other things will definitely come out.
SPEAKER_04So, what is your top green flag in your marriage?
SPEAKER_01That he's considerate, that he's considerate of me, that he'll think of things to like unload things off of my plate, especially right now at the point that I am. That's great. Like that is that is the green flag, and it's taken time. I'm not gonna say it was always like that because I feel that men, again, I'm gonna I'm gonna generalize, but I feel like men are not so aware of those things. Like, I feel like, and it's not that they do it on purpose. I just think that men are not so into the details like we are.
SPEAKER_04We're just completely different. Yeah, you know, right now, what what what's the saying? What pups our bubble could be something that they have no idea. So we have to tell them because even when we throw the indirect here or there, it's like, huh? Oh, you didn't tell me. But that's something that never changes no matter how old he is.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, no, but then we get bothered because we have to say it, and I and I say to myself, I remember one psychologist, I had gone to therapy talking to her about like different things, and she has said to me, What is the big deal about asking for what you need? Like, what is so bad about that? And we as women tend to want men to just do it. And she's like, But what do you want him to do?
SPEAKER_04We gotta tell them. Tell him because he doesn't think like it. Here's a map. This is where I want you to touch me. Yeah. No, but it's true where the refrigerator is, and it has everything you're always looking for, it's in there. But what if you don't know how to make this, there's chat GBT.
SPEAKER_01How do I cook this? But Darlene, it's really, it truly is like that. It's not, I I feel like it's like we joke about it, but the truth of the matter is if if you want something, whether it's your partner in life, whether it's your parents, whether it's a friend, just your job, just your boss, ask. Just ask. Just ask. And we have a hard time asking for what we want because we think that people should immediately know what we're asking for. And it doesn't work like that. People are not living in our heads, uh, people are not, you know, thinking about us 24 hours a day. Oh, you know, if they were awesome, but they're not. So it's like, what's so hard of me in this podcast and say, Darlene, I I want you to do versus throwing you little pollitas here so that you can kind of do it on your own. Like, why? Why can't I just be direct and say to you what I want? And I think this goes with relationships 100%. Yeah. And I'm not saying that I'm perfect, I will put myself out there. Oh my gosh. Nobody is. I sometimes fish to see if if my husband will do things because I want him to do it out of the kindness of his heart. But it doesn't work like that. He's thinking of something.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, you're expecting something, and then you get disappointed when you don't get it.
SPEAKER_01But but you know what? Who the problem is at that point, I'll be honest. It's me because I might as well just say, sit down, what I need from you, I need this. Because there's been times that if we've gotten into an argument, he'll say to me, Why didn't you just tell me what you want? And I say, Because you know, because you should, because you should know. Well, he's like, I wasn't even thinking about that. You know, they they're not wired like us. You know, probably thinking, Man, the World Cup. I'm not thinking of that you needed me to wash the dishes. I'm like, what do you mean you don't know? The house is a mess, you know, and we go crazy in our head. Just delegate. It's like, I want this. Can you do it? Can you provide it? Yes, no, okay. Let me, you know, but we have I don't know.
SPEAKER_04I feel like Yeah, communication is key. Yeah. In my case with Fabian, the the green light, green light, the green flag, the flag. We're so cheesy, we're both wearing green. The green flag is um, I've always struggled with I've never been cheated on ever. But that you know of.
SPEAKER_02That you know.
SPEAKER_04No, I mean I I've never had honestly that many relationships. I dated a lot, but probably two boyfriends, I say and a half, because the other one I was young, and I really don't count it. But I've always had a thing with honesty, and and we've talked about this before. When if I'm super honest, I'm very transparent. I don't I can't be, you know, show you something, and I can't be fake. And for me, that part, and then marrying a musician when we first got together, actually, he was in Russia, he was traveling with Enrique, and I remember when we started dating, it was all like by phone, by phone, and he's in Russia. He's like, I'm leaving for a month, and there was always this trust. Well, that was very early, which we were not like super steady, going steady, but then throughout the years, he would travel and do music videos with models and and all that stuff, and he travels a lot. And one thing is like I've always trusted him a hundred percent. And you're probably listening and you're like, don't trust anybody a hundred percent. But I mean, I do, and if something were to happen, and I'm already like you know, it was great, it what it lasted. We have a beautiful daughter, but I have to move on because that's one thing, and fidelity, that's my my non-negotiable red, purple, whatever, black flag. That's one thing that I would not tolerate. I would not tolerate trusting him, somebody that's in the music industry, and he travels a lot, and you know, he has so many different clients, and when he was traveling with Enrique and with other people and with his own music, I don't know, I've never felt that. And I remember one promoter in Guatemala when he he met me, he said, Oh my god, your boyfriend, he like he was so good and so respectful of of you. And anyway, so and then just also the loyalty that I see him um give to friends and family and clients. For me, that's that's that's beautiful.
SPEAKER_01So now that you're saying that, the green flags, that's also another thing. Like when you are dating, you can't just look at how they treat you. You have to watch and see how they treat others. Yeah, because if they're treating you all nice, but then all of a sudden you're seeing every situation that they encounter somebody else, they're being a prick, or they are trust me, it'll come back to you someday. They're not always gonna be so nice to you, you know. I feel like I feel like there's something there that you start to analyze and say, if he's just a dick. Like, I mean, he's so nice to me. He treats me great, he takes me out, he does this, he's so pendant on me. But with everybody else in his life, his mother, his sister, his dad, there's there's just like something's off, you know. I could see that as something that would cause like a red flag, you know?
SPEAKER_04And it's interesting because now we're gonna mention the moms again. Now that you say that, um, I recently met a person who, a couple, and he doesn't talk to his mom. And I asked the wife, like, how is it? Oh, well, no, they don't talk, and you know, she did some things that which when they I mean you never know the full story. And this is just a couple that I had met. But for what they told me, what they didn't like about this woman is that she would like lie a lot and like little lies, and he got fed up, and that's it. And he doesn't have a relationship with his mom anymore. And for me, that's not good either. Because and I I had just met him and I said, What are you gonna do the day that she's not that she's gone? Because think about your feelings. Yeah, like what's gonna happen with you? She's gonna be gone. But if there's something that you're gonna regret, this is the time to go and mend those issues that you're gonna lay it out on the line and say what you need to say. Yeah, and then also like being, I don't know, being married, if it was Fabian like that with his mom, like I don't talk to my mom, or I don't talk to my family, then I don't know. It's again, we're married already, it's not a red flag, but it would be sad because I don't know, it it is family, it depends, I guess, on context, right?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, because I'm sure that there is families that are very toxic and not everybody is fortunate enough to have good parents. True, and there's parents that have probably messed up their kid and so on. So I guess it depends because there's another thing too. We might assume that because somebody comes from a broken family that they're gonna be like that, and that you know, oh, I don't know if we're gonna be able to create a family because they're not used to it or that's not in their cards. But what if that person, because there is those type of people that'll say, I'm not gonna repeat history, I'm not gonna be that dad, you know, to my kids. I'm gonna be the dad that's present. I'm gonna do the opposite of what my parents did. And we have to sometimes give the benefit of the doubt, right? Every to each drone, everybody has so many different layers. I just feel like as in the dating scene, you can't just, you know, go all in or or already, you know, stop something for one little thing. You really have to analyze it as a whole. Like you can't say it's the butterflies, and that's it, we're getting married, or the sex is great. Oh, that's it, we're getting married. There's so many layers to somebody that when you get into it really deep, like we are now with kids and time passes, and you're already like the reality, 15 years, 20 years pass by, you start to realize like the things that maybe put you together in the first place, not that you don't love those things anymore, but they don't take precedence anymore when life hits, you know? And so you have to make sure that what got you into the relationship can withstand, you know, the years moving forward.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, no, I vote. It's it's interesting. Let's say that we both like we get divorced and we go back into the dating scene. Um, that would be so weird. I'll be like, wait, what app is that? What do I do? I swipe what? Swiping anymore. What am I supposed to do now? We don't do swiping anymore.
SPEAKER_03Now we I don't know, we ring the door.
SPEAKER_01Avatars, avatars with AI that now makes, I don't know.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, but I'm I I think about you know, what would be the non-negotiables, which I already told you, fidelity and just honesty and and all that. And that's hard because nobody's gonna come to you. I don't like to be faithful, yeah. Something it's you know, you just have to see and feel. Um, but let me see, like flags that I would be attracted to would definitely be um, I keep saying flags, uh, somebody that cooks.
SPEAKER_01That would be nice.
SPEAKER_04Somebody that cooks, and uh and that's there the way that that Fabiana is for me. You know, whenever he sees without me telling him like I need something, like he's wait, what do you need? What do you need? Like you were saying about Bendy too.
SPEAKER_01So let me give you an example of this. When I was first starting to date Benjamin, I remember I had gotten the this is a green flag. Again, this is not always consistent because people stressed out, and as you get married and you have kids, other responsibilities come in. But one thing that I remember being a green flag before kids, before anything, was I was sick with the flu. I'll never forget, I was really sick. And uh he had called me and he said, Hey, he's like, uh, you know, how are you feeling? And I said, No, I feel like crap, like I'm definitely not leaving the house, like I have a fever, this and that. He came to where I was, knocked on the door, and he had chicken soup in hand, he had medicine and all that. And now I'm thinking, you know, it's funny because you forget these things. You do end up forgetting. I end up for sometimes when I'm mad at him, I forget about all those things. Those are the things that you have to remember. It's like this is why I love him. This is what brought us together. Yeah, because you know what, as life, you know, goes by, other things take precedence, and you know, these things you forget about, and then when you have to, you know, analyze, you say, what brought us here in the first place? And those were the little things. Like he was pendant on you know, on my well-being. And I think that was like, wow, that's so cute. He came, he showed up. I didn't ask him to come, and he knocked on my door because he knew I was gonna be home with chicken soup in one hand and medicine in the other, and I think a th a thermometer, because I think I had said something that day that I didn't have a thermometer, but I know I had a fever because I was hot. And he came with all those things, and he didn't say he was gonna show up, he just showed up. And I love that. Now, granted, that's when you're dating, everything is great. I'm not gonna put him under the bus, but you know what? At the end of the day, as time and all of us do the same stuff, as you get further and further into the relationship, you sometimes other things take priority and you forget to be so thoughtful sometimes. And that does happen. It happens. I'm I could tell you there's things that I'm sure my husband can say she was like this when we were together when we first started dating, but now it's like she's not as affectionate, she's always bothered by something, you know.
SPEAKER_04Um, let me tell you, you say uh I was gonna say Sebastian, I was gonna change the name of your Benjamin, Benjamin and Fabian. You are both invited to come here, and you're more than welcome to have the same conversation among yourselves with our same audience, and we will listen and we will understand and we will be okay. Yeah, absolutely. But yeah, now um just to wrap it up, if you're in your 40s, if you're in your 50s and you're dating again, you're divorced, you never got married, or whatever. Um, what are those red flags? What are those green flags? I feel that as we grow older, um, probably a red flag would be him checking his phone a lot. Now we have the whole thing with the phone. When I was dating, there was not so much phones and stuff, and I would hate to be talking to somebody and him being on the phone the whole time.
SPEAKER_01That he doesn't pay attention, yeah.
SPEAKER_04And then just make sure you get the number right of how many kids he has so you don't get any surprises. There's a big chance at this age they already have kids. Uh, another red flag, uh let's see. What are we talking about? The green flags, um, just somebody that that's there, that's present. For me, presence is so important. Quality time, it's something at this precise stage of my life. Quality time with him is more important, even if we're just sitting on the couch. But being that he's an entrepreneur, he works a lot of uh on his phone, and we have people texting and calling at 11 o'clock at night. Uh, that part is the one that I'm like, uh I but you know it's work. But at this stage, I just want somebody to be present. Yeah, to be present, but but then at the same time that travels. So when he travels, I get time for myself.
SPEAKER_01Time alone. You get time, time alone, most definitely. I feel like you know, those are things, you know, when you get older. Yeah, I feel like if you've already been married and you've already done that, I think you already have your uh like your box what you want and what you don't, and there there's non-negotiables, and there's things that you're willing. Actually, there's more non-negotiables than negotiable. Exactly. Because I think if you've already had your experience, you're gonna say, that's it. Like I don't want that anymore. I don't want this anymore. And you know what? What I do want is this, like you said, when you did your list of what you were looking for. It's never gonna be perfect though. People are, you know, we go through layers of different things and we go through ebbs and flows. But I think at this point too, you just want somebody to be, like you said, present. And somebody that thinks about you, and somebody a big one that I would say is a green flag now is that if you're dating somebody and that you can bring around your friends and your family, and that they actually uh mix well because you can be having an amazing time with this, you know, gentleman or whatever, and then all of a sudden you're like, you know what? I'm feeling like I'm gonna introduce them to my friends already, and I'm gonna introduce them to my family. And they get there. I'm not saying that they have that your family and your friends have to be the deal breaker, but if in every setting now that you bring them around, it's like he doesn't even bother to communicate with your friends, and he kind of sits in a corner with his phone because with his phone for or whatever, you know what I mean? And he's kind of like calling his mom and he shuts down back to the mom. Or he shut or he shuts down, or you know, or he shuts down, and all of a sudden now it's like you're with your friends, but you feel like torn and you feel like you can't be yourself now because he's around.
SPEAKER_04You're taking care of him too, you're making sure that he's okay. And you don't want that either because you don't want a kid. You already have kids if you do. You don't want to have to be like, is he okay? Is he comfortable?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you want somebody that you can bring around and that intertwins and you can leave him with your friends, you're talking, and it's like, wow, my god, he gets along with everybody in my family.
SPEAKER_04Come in and make a conversation with people and just somebody that's fun because the fact that you're in your 40s or 50s or 60s and 70s, and that you and we say, Oh my god, I party so much in my 20s, and I used to go out and I used to do this, you can still do it. I mean, you're not gonna go to space at four o'clock in the morning. I mean, why not if you want to one time? Hey, bucket list to do it in my 40s, done in my 20s. Um, but somebody also that would bring that side of you out, bring your 20s again. Be like, hey, you know, let's go. We didn't do that because I didn't know you when you were in your 20s. Let's go salsa dancing, let's go this, let's go go uh on a I don't know, let's go on a road trip and go have dinner in Naples and come back the next day. Like those spontaneous little things, spontaneous things are very important. Especially actually, we're talking, we're we're talking about, oh, if you're not in a relationship, this is what you can be looking for. But also in a relationship, we need that.
SPEAKER_01We still need that as you get further into it, things become routine. And it's like if the person takes the time, it's not gonna happen every single day. We can't expect every single day to have something spontaneous happen. But if they take the time to actually plan something, like let's say you you love salsa. One day in two months from now or something, Fabian goes, you know what? I made a date for us, we're going to dance salsa. I might not dance because I don't like it, but you can sit there and dance. You know, I'm just saying, I'm I'm giving you an example. You know, I'm gonna take you because those little things are just nice surprises. Sometimes it's not even about the material stuff, it's just like doing those little spontaneous, you know, events that one likes to do, and vice versa. And that will bring you back to yourself.
SPEAKER_04I used to go dancing and oh, and it was so great. It was so great, and I feel beautiful, and I was letting my my body get your flow and the sexiness that one has inside.
SPEAKER_01It came out if your man can also bring out that sexy side of you, not just in the bedroom, but also in, you know, I don't know, salsa dancing or somewhere else, like that's an amazing thing, you know. Bring that back out because I think also people forget when you're in a relationship for so long that the woman that you met, and again, we can talk about you know the opposite, but we're talking here from men to women, that the woman you met was this sexy creature that you met that used to love to dance, had this sensuality to them. Doesn't mean it's lost because they became a mom. It means that it's buried in there and you need to help to bring it out, you know. So, anyways, I leave you with that. Pair those layers out like a banana. Yes, peel them back, peel them back, get to the core because it's not lost, it's there. Whatever it is you liked in your 20s, it's there. It's just it needs to be, you know, brought back.
SPEAKER_04So if you're single out there, do that list and put your non-negotiables, but more than anything, also focus on those things that you want from the smallest little detail to something bigger, but just write down what you want.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, write your green flag. And don't and don't always think everything is a red flag. That's what I'm gonna put out there. Give a little bit of a benefit of the doubt, unless your gut is saying absolutely not. Going back to your friend. Absolutely not, then I get it. But, anyways, I we leave you with that. If you guys uh you know have any comments to this, obviously we post on TikTok, we post on Instagram, we post on Facebook, and we'll probably put a poll on this and see. You know, I'm sure you ladies have stories out there, and we'd love to hear them. Bye, everybody.
SPEAKER_04See you next week.
SPEAKER_01Bye.
