Are Their Friends Helping or Hurting Them?

As parents, we can't choose our children's friends—but we can guide them as they learn to navigate friendships, peer pressure, technology, and growing up.

In this episode of Mama's Playground, we share real-life experiences about school friendships, changing behaviors, screen time, Roblox, difficult conversations with other parents, and the challenge of protecting our kids without putting them in a bubble.

How do you know when a friendship is healthy? When should parents step in? And how can we create safe spaces for our children to open up about what's happening at school?

From becoming "mom detectives" to asking better questions than "How was your day?", we're sharing practical strategies every parent can use to build stronger connections with their children.

Because raising kids isn't about controlling their world—it's about preparing them for it.

🎙️ Join us for an honest conversation about the friendships shaping our children and the role we play in guiding them.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to Mama's Playground. This is Darlene. And this is Monica. Happy Wednesday. Let me tell you, like coming here and doing this, it helps us in so many ways because we come up with the topics mostly things that we're going through. And then in the midst of researching and getting more information about it, uh, we learn. And it feels good to come to a dedicated spot. So today we were talking last week about friendships, midlife friendships. And now we're going to talk about our kids' friendships. This is a stage where, you know, they're in first grade, kinder, second grade, and they're making, you know, they spend most of the time at school. And what do they have at school? 23, 24 kids feeding them information, information, information. And we're raising our kids, but in a way, when they're at school, they're not only learning academics, but they're also developing new things.

SPEAKER_02 1:00

Behavioral patterns. Behavioral.

SPEAKER_00 1:02

There's more emotions. I don't know if it's only if it's mostly a girl thing, but a lot of my girlfriend this and my friend that, and my friend said that I like that boy. And like she just started talking about the word crush. And how often does it happen to you that your kids say something and you're like, where did you get that from? Who told you about this? And the and words that you're not ready to talk about. Yeah. All the time.

SPEAKER_02 1:28

And I have I have two boys. So I have a five-year-old and I have an eight-year-old. And honestly, I have been seeing like certain uh behavioral like patterns that I'm like, where are they learning this from? This is not from the household, and nobody in their family talks like that or says this or does that. And they are going through it. And they're going at it with each other on top of that. I mean, they're they're siblings. So I I have a sibling. I know what it is to fight with them when we were younger. The words that they're saying, the little attitude that they're getting. And at some point, I even said, you know what? If you guys continue behaving like this, I'm gonna go to your school, I'm gonna go talk to your teachers, and I'm going to find out who is the one that's influencing you guys like this. Because I don't teach you like this. Nobody in your family teaches you like this. And this is it's a red flag to me. And lo and behold, there is stuff going on at school. So, which I'll jump into afterwards.

SPEAKER_00 2:18

So I remember there was a week in March where we we were in the process of recording the promos for the podcast and the new cover and just you know, everything. We were both going through emotionally, I was a mess. Not sad, but I was just overwhelmed because it was just a week where I kept getting like this information, and you know, we had had field day. So when you're around, you know, the other kids and you're listening to conversations, and then now they're in their stage where they want to talk on the phone. Can I call my friend? And it used to be like, no, you can't, and now because now for everything, there's um what do you call it? An explanation, right? Like she comes to me and she goes, Mom, when we're at school, we don't have much time to talk. Um, because then my teacher sends you a message that I'm talking too much, and it's true. So she said, Okay, in snack time, we can't talk because we're eating, and then you pick me up, and then I have homework, and then this and that. So I really see my friends, but I can talk to them. So I'm like, okay, you can talk briefly, but it's in these conversations, and I encourage you to let the kids talk, but just stay nearby. The things that you hear, and that's when you're like, okay, give me my phone. And it's this constant monitoring that has to be going out.

SPEAKER_02 3:41

We have to be constantly, it's not a bubble, it's not that we're putting the kids in a bubble, it's about we're laying a foundation, and there's certain things that you don't want in your household, and there's certain ways of talking and certain things of behavioral that you don't, you know, teach them, and you try to teach them one way, but then they go to school, and you know, unfortunately, there's other kids there, you don't know who's what their situation is at home or their upbringing or so on, and they're getting certain things that you you don't want to accept in your household. And I know for for me, for instance, um, you know, I won't, I'm not gonna go into names and stuff like that, but This is what was going on the same week that I was just saying.

SPEAKER_00 4:19

We were going through the same, yeah. I remember telling you it was like a Thursday night, and I'm like, this is happening. And you go, Are you kidding me? I have a meeting that's cool because this is happening.

SPEAKER_02 4:30

Um, yeah, yeah, it's there's a little kid in uh in my boys' school uh with my eldest that he's very rambunctious, he's very, you know, he's always in trouble uh because he's always up to like something, you know? And so, you know, my oldest has been hanging out with him. And I again, I didn't say I prohibit him. They're small, they're still, you know, eight years old. Um, but again, I have to be, you know, four eyes looking to see what's going on. And this little boy has always had issues prior with other boys as well in the in the school, you know, and other kids in the school, not just the boys, the other kids in the school. Um, and I have another mom friend that said, you know, I had this issue with that little boy and my son back in summer camp, back here. Like I've I've just heard so many times his name and the same thing. And I've seen him myself because I go to a lot of the volunteer stuff, you know, with my with my son. Um, and again, I'm very open to I am not judgmental because it's a child. So I'm always like, okay, what's going on? Uh maybe something's going on at home, or you know what? Maybe he's just mischievous. And I do know that maybe he comes from a from a family where his parents are not together, so he's got two different upbrings, upbringings coming on, you know, the mom works one way, the dad works the other, they're not meeting in the middle, you know.

SPEAKER_00 5:41

And I guess still, you don't, your child doesn't have to be raised by that situation.

SPEAKER_02 5:46

And I ray, I don't want to say raised, but influenced by that either, because that's but you know, unfortunately, and I've seen it, two adults don't get on the same page, and the child is the one that's affected, right? So this is what I'm putting it to. I don't know if that's the case or not. I just know that there's oh I always hear the name like, oh, this person is in trouble again. This person was at the office, this person was next to the teacher today all day because this person did this, and yet my son is is hanging out with him. So I was seeing like this kind of like um rebellious attitude in my son when he comes home and certain things. And then he also started opening up to me about certain things that were happening in school. But that's great that he it's opening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He told me, he's like, Mom, you know, uh so-and-so asked me to go get this for him and like bring it to him. And I was like, Okay, give me one second. Like, uh, what do you mean? Like, why couldn't he get it? How many times though? But but it's all the time, all the time, yeah. It's like, oh, do this and you do this, and and very kind of bossy.

SPEAKER_00 6:43

And I said to myself, that sounds like what Luna does to me, by the way.

SPEAKER_02 6:47

Well, kids are bossy, you know. But I just like I I I I told my son, I was like, listen, it's like you have to put your foot down sometimes too, because you know, you need to be able to also say, Hey, you go do your own thing. Like, I don't need to do that for you. You go do it. I go, because what's gonna end up happening is this little boy is gonna see a pattern in you and your other friend that's also very docile and like super sweet. He's gonna see this pattern. He's gonna say, Oh, I can, hey, this is easy, man. I've got these two kids that do everything that I say. You know what I mean? Like, I if I get mad at them, they still want to be my friend. So I'm gonna like threaten them with like, oh, we're not friends anymore so that they could feel bad, you know? And I said, No, we have to put a stop to this. So I called the other mom that had had issues in the past. She told me her thing. She's like, Oh, I I didn't realize that it was still going on. And I was like, she's I was like, well, now it's happening on my end. I'm hearing it more on my end. So I was like, you know what? I'm gonna call the teacher. I'm just gonna bring it to her attention. I'm not gonna make a big fuss about it. I'm not gonna tell my son he cannot hang out with him, but I am gonna talk to him more and tell him to be a little bit more aware of the situation and to be able to put his foot down and he needs to be a little stronger and and so on, and and to open his eyes to see if this kid is really his friend, you know, and things that we are trying to teach them now as little. And I, whatever, I I spoke to the teacher, I told her, she said, You're not the first mom. There's been many parents complaining about the same kid. The same kid. Okay, so now they need I mean, what do the schools do? So she's like, Unfortunately, we are trying to kind of like remedy the situation with he sits next to me all the time. Now, when he goes out to recess, it's like he's not having recess as much. He'll go to the principal's office if he's behaving bad. And I feel let me tell you something. Somebody else might be like, who cares? I do feel bad. I know who the kid is. I think he's he's a kid, you know, and I and I feel bad because it's like, but I'm not his mom. And at the same time, I have to protect my kid, you know. So it's it's I I, you know, one one of the other moms says, like, oh no, I cut it off completely. Like, that's it. I won't talk to the mom. I want to, I, you know, I don't want him hanging out with the kid. And uh, there's a part of me that feels bad, but there's a part, there's a bigger side of me that says, I'm here to defend my kid, you know what I mean? And I'm here to look out for my child.

SPEAKER_00 8:55

That's your responsibility, yeah. I mean, probably in two years they're not even gonna be in the same school. So it's I mean, I'm not trying to be harsh, but each parent has a lot of responsibility to be get, you know, getting more responsibility from other persons. You're absolutely right. You're right.

SPEAKER_02 9:14

You're right.

SPEAKER_00 9:15

So, and look, I was reading this, so studies show friendships strongly influence kids' behavior, confidence, and academics during elementary and middle school. So when they get to, I'm so scared of middle school. When they get there, it's they're already big kids. This is the time when they're in elementary where we have to again, like I said, it's not about putting them in a bubble because I question myself. I'm like, am I trying to put her in a bubble? And I'm like, no, I'm laying a foundation, she's still a kid, yeah, you know. Um, but what's going on on this side is she has friends that are a little bit more advanced in the technology technology aspect with us. For example, if she's gonna sit in the table, no iPad, no nothing. Um if she during the week, which she hardly ever asked for the iPad, lately she's been asking for the phone to call her friends. And this is the time to kind of teach her how it's gonna be. Because if not, they're gonna be out with the phone at 13 and locking themselves in the room. And hopefully that's we're gonna work hard for you know for that to be controlled because these girls, they're seven, eight years old, and they're in Roblox. They the other day, so they opened this chat, it's three girls, and I let Luna be part of it, and I was listening. One girl goes to the other one. So, why do you want to go to this store? I think she was like, Oh, I want to go to Target. Where do you want to go? And the other one goes, It's none of your business. Yeah, with an attitude. I'm in the car with my husband, and Luna's having this FaceTime conversation, and we both turn around and I go, Who said that? Yeah, I find out who she is. It's a girl that's also, you know, you don't want to talk about bad vibes, you don't, these are kids, but I'm talking about behavioral, the word bullying, past issues when this girl was just in kindergarten with another girl, which is something that I heard, and I'm like, come on, that can happen. I've seen her do things, conversations to Luna, uh, which I didn't like. And then this phone conversation, you know, you give them the benefit, you're like, come on, it's a child. It's a child. Yeah, but but then when she goes, it's none of your business. If my daughter were to answer to me like that, oh my, she's gonna hear me. Yeah, she's gonna hear me and she's gonna feel it. Um, but she's gonna feel the chancleta, you know. That's what they used to do with us, chancleta, pa. Right there, I'm like, oh, I don't like that. And then one of the other friends, she's even in the field day, she was putting lipstick on. I'm like, she's eight. She's eight. Lip gloss or lipstick? Lipstick. We're talking about color stay, Revlon, brown lipstick, not the little gloss that is shiny, no, lipstick. And then just with the whole conversation of Roblox and they're oh, let's share screens and why don't we invite now this boy to come in the chat? I'm like, nope. She got frustrated. Like Luna, I said, that's it, no more. You can talk maybe on the weekend, like for five minutes next to me. I don't want again. Here we go. It's not about the bubble, it's about protecting my child and doing it now rather than later. Yeah. And it's just one thing after the other. And she, you know, we had this conversation at school, and this girl was talking about the crush and this, and I'm like, what? Um, so yeah, it's just a lot of new information, and you, we as parents should be monitoring. And the issue that I see with this other girl is the probably lack of monitoring. Because then she's calling my daughter on my phone at seven in the morning when we're getting ready to go to school at three o'clock. I guess when she gets her iPad or her cell phone back after school at five o'clock, at seven at nine p.m. I'm like, where are the parents? Why do we have this seven, eight-year-old girl calling my phone to talk to my daughter eight, six times, six, eight times a day?

SPEAKER_02 13:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:21

So I'm the one answering, and I'm like, she's doing IXL, she's in tennis class. Then out of the blue, the other night, they sent a YouTube video. Obviously, I'm gonna check the video before I show Luna speechless. It was this animation, very weird-looking animation. I'm gonna show it to you in a little bit. Um, and then it's like these women showing up to pick up their kids at school, but the women have like big boobs, like the boobs all the way to the window. Yeah, with the cleavage showing, all like blonde and the way they were talking, and then they pick up the kids and they get in the car, and the moms and the kids, again, the mom with the big boobs, and they're like, Let's do TikTok videos, and this is how you do it. And then they show like the three families doing the TikTok videos. I stopped watching, my friend did see the whole thing, and she's like, What the fuck? Yeah, like these girls are sending these weird videos, so obviously I didn't show her, and then I'm thinking, should I talk to the mom or should I just leave it at that? Uh, what do we do in this situation?

SPEAKER_02 14:27

And it depends because you're coming into a thing where you it might not be so reciprocal, right? Like there's people that will defend their child, and I've seen this at all costs. Meaning, my kid did something bad, I don't care, I'm gonna defend my kid. Uh, my kid uh hit your kid, I don't care. My kid must have hit your kid because your kid did something, they're always gonna come to bat for their kid. Now, I am not that mom, okay? I I am the type of mom that I try to assess the situation. And if my kid is wrong, my kid is wrong. And I'm gonna tell my kid you are wrong, you better go apologize, and I don't ever want to see you do that again. You're coming into the fact, darling, that if you go ahead and you do that, you have two things that can come out of this. And it's either the mom that is not gonna accept what you're saying, and she's gonna make it seem like, you know, either Luna's at fault or whatever, or the mom that's gonna be reciprocal and say, Okay, tell me more what's going on. I didn't know that, and I apologize. Maybe I was, you know, I'm sorry, I have a really hectic schedule. I've been working, I'm gonna monitor it more. I apologize, darling, that she's been interrupting you. You it's gonna be two things. It's gonna be one that gets defensive, or the one that's gonna say, Okay, you know what, let me work on it and I apologize. You know, I didn't realize that, you know, she's she's doing this.

SPEAKER_00 15:40

You know what? Just I just made a decision. Honestly, it's not my problem. Because is it worth it? Because you know what, Luna doesn't have my phone, I'm the one receiving the messages. I think I was actually also upset at the fact that they let a child be on the phone or the iPad. I think she uses both all day from the on the way to school, as soon as you pick them up at school. Um, and this is another thing. It could be cultural. I don't know. I don't I I mean, well, there's a couple of girls and they're not all from the same country. But another thing that we have here in Florida is we have these classrooms where you have so many different cultures. Yeah, it's not like I grew up, we were all puertorriqueño, okay, same upbringing, right? Same upbringing. But here we have, you know, from everywhere. From we have, you know, Japan, we have Brazil, we have Peru, we have uh Venezuela, we have Colombian, we have Cuban, we have Indian. So you have all of this. It's not a beautiful thing, but then there's things that okay, we have to respect. Maybe that's not how I'm gonna bring up my child, or just different thoughts, you know, um, mentalities. And so Luna was asking me, Mama, am I not allowed to talk to her again? And I go, wait, you know, we don't want to do that either. We just I know it's a delicate subject.

SPEAKER_02 17:07

At this point, you don't want to do that. But as they get power player, yeah, as they start getting older, if you start seeing, I would assume it's the age range too that we're in, because at this point we're like, okay, they're still like small, they still depend on us to take them everywhere. Like we're gonna be able to control certain things. But as they get older and they start getting into their teenage years, and you've got something of that going on, I have to think that at that point, you know, and I mean it's just hard because at that's why you set them up now to kind of see who their friends are and really to evaluate the situation and say, okay, open your eyes. Look at this kid that you're saying is your friend. Are they really your friend? Would they, in my case, would they, you know, uh make fun of you all the time if they're really your friend? Would they make you go do things for them for them all the time if they're really your friend, like bossing you around? Would they accidentally one day punch you in the stomach? Okay, they were playing, okay, I get it. Okay, this is strike one. But I go, you have to, like for my kid, I was like, you have to open up and look at the whole scenario and say, wow, is this really my friend or is this not my friend? You know? And so, you know, I don't know. I think it's it's it's something that if you don't monitor, monitor now, like you said, eventually when they're 12, 13, 14, 15, oh my god, you know, that that age that is such a hard age, especially with with girls. Yeah, and that not that boys don't go through it, they do, but with girls, the cattiness, the the again, you don't want somebody influencing your child to be older than what they are.

SPEAKER_00 18:37

Exactly. That friend that you feel that and you see that it's too advanced. We're talking about one of Luna's friends, makeup, TV in the bedroom, a lot of Roblox. Um, and what she talks about and what she's probably looking at is not age appropriate. Yeah, and we're talking about this is one of the smartest kids, the one I'm talking about, and her grade, period, and I know for a fact, and she's beautiful and I love the family, but a little bit too advanced for where I feel that Luna should be, correct? And she has time to get there, and not advanced academically because they're in the same classroom because it's it's an advanced classroom. I had to throw it there.

SPEAKER_02 19:22

It's not about that, it's about lifestyle, habit, language, you know, it's yeah, the way that they that maybe the little girl moves, the way she dresses, like those are things that you have to look at. I remember when I was younger, and now obviously being a mom, I understand why my mom did the things that she does. And I always say that like you start to realize why your parents did all the things that they did. And it's like when I was younger, I remember, you know, uh hanging out with like, you know, I had my group of girlfriends, and there was a point that we there was like back in the day, there was like the daisy dukes, right? The daisy dukes were the shorts that you're like nal guys coming out like from the bottom. And I was like, I'm gonna wear the little daisy dukes with the little crop top. And my mom was like, Where do you think you're going? Like, where do you think you're going? Quítate eso, ahora mismo. You know what I mean? Like, you are not going out of the house like that. Like, to especially I was like 14, 13 to a party and this and that. Like, I get that, I get it. I just like I just gotta say, I understand. Why? Because it's just you're just trying to protect your child, exactly. You know, you're trying to protect your kids.

SPEAKER_00 20:24

It's I was explaining to Luna about the phone. Oh, because the day that this girl was um just la stava molestando. Like, uh, you have a crush in this boy, you have a crush, and the boy that this girl's talking about is like Luna's brother. They've known each other since they were three, and they're and I always tell her, You're now you're still in the same school, you take care of each other like siblings, you know. Why start putting in in this other girl, like, oh, you have a crush, whatever. It's it's kid little arguments and stuff, and it happens. I'm not trying to be the most old-fashioned, but it's just if one thing leads to the other. I'm saying I'm not saying you're not gonna be her friend, but we're gonna do play dates in the park, and I don't want you on the freaking phone.

SPEAKER_02 21:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:12

But anyway, yeah, we we become sort of another another thing for us midlife moms to do right now, we become detectives. Yes, we become detectives.

SPEAKER_02 21:22

I think we'll always be detectives as as long as we're moms. I don't think it's I think it's forever that you are a parent, except until when your kids are like probably married and they have their own kids and all that, you become a detective, especially at this age. Like you want to know who they're hanging out with. Yeah, yeah. What they're talking about. I mean their parents.

SPEAKER_00 21:38

These are our babies, you know. It's don't so we were oh the phone thing that I was gonna say earlier. Um, we had this conversation with Luna. It was a great conversation. Let me tell you, kids listen, even if you don't think they are, they are listening. And at this stage of life, they better listen to you more than to appear. Uh huh. We sat down with her the night that her she was confused, all the emotions, the friend, the conversation. It was like a really odd day. And we sit with her at the end of the night and we're explaining, you know, sometimes your friends, you know, can be can say something that doesn't make you feel right. Uh instead of being upset at the friend, try to talk to the friend and say, you know, what you just said, it hurt my feelings. So again, their kids, they might learn this when they're in their 30s, but it doesn't hurt for us as parents to try to put it, yeah, to and she was listening. She was listening. And I said, uh, and that same friend that was probably mean to you today. If you see somebody being mean to her, you gotta go help her. Always help who's the underdog. Who's if you see somebody that even if it's not your friend, friend, if it's your friend doing it to somebody else, go to that somebody else and make sure that they're okay. It's not right when you hurt other people's feelings. Um, so she's listening, and then we're talking about the phone. And I said, in our times, we didn't have a phone. We would go outside, we would play, we would play, it's different times, but now understand that this thing that's here, mommy and daddy, we use it for work. I use it also to plan your play dates. I talk to my friends. There's no reason for you to be talking to your friends, there's no reason for you to be going on video games, unless it's like Kidopia, the one that I've told you about, that it's super educational. But you don't have to be texting with anybody. No, if you want to talk to one of your friends, you ask me, we'll do it a couple of minutes close by where I can hear what they're saying.

SPEAKER_02 23:43

Pitching on that, I have to do the same thing with Jacob because oh well with both of them, with both my kids, because they're both on the stage again. We've talked about this roadblocks, and then you know, some of their friends are able to get onto roadblocks and they're able to be playing with their friends and all that. And I told them, no, like we're I I don't want that. Why, mom, you never let me do anything. And I said, For what? I go, they're already obsessed with wanting to be on the TV and anything electronics, right? And I I try to take that away from them. And then on top of that, knowing that they're doing Roblox and then that the possibility of them talking to other people, um, you know, just the influence. I said, you know what, there's a lot of time for that. You're still young, you're still a child, you know, there's no need to rush into the thing of wanting a phone and wanting to be on the phone all day long. Yeah, you know, so there has to be boundaries. I'm a boundary parent. I don't want to take everything away from them. I don't want to be the mom also that's known for like, my God, you don't let your kid do nothing. Yeah, you know, like I uh at all. Like, I don't want to be that mom either. I want them to know that they can confide in me, they can talk to me and so on. But I also know that I need to protect them, right? So, with the thing of what you say about the friendships with kids, you do have to look and see who your kid's hanging out with. And if you see a temperament change and you start hearing one kid's name a little bit more than what you used to, and all of a sudden you're also seeing changes in them, you have to ask the question and say, why is it that every time I hear about this person's name, you're also acting a certain way, like the behavioral patterns have changed. Yeah, you know, and it's like a mom, no, and it could be good or bad.

SPEAKER_00 25:16

These are things that we always have to watch, of course, you know, when they come home from school or something, if they change, if they look sad, if they kind of um so this is one thing that I found. I gotta go straight there because it was so interesting. Um, by the way, the parent-to-parent conversation. I would have it if it's a good friend of Luna. Of course, somebody closer. If it's somebody close, it's like, come on, what's going on? Because we're we're taking care of each other. The kids are growing up together. When it's more acquaintances from classroom, it's okay, they're gonna see each other at school, but they're not gonna be talking too much at school. You kind of you find a way of limiting that connection the most that you can, I guess. Maybe next year they're not in the same classroom. But yeah, those parent conversations, I would have them with, let's say, if with you. Yeah, if the kids were doing something with Nancy, if Ana Julia, you know, which is Luna's best friend, if they something like that happens, and and I tell her you're allowed to scroll my daughter anytime. When she's with you, she's also your daughter.

SPEAKER_02 26:24

I say the same thing. That's the thing, but there's parents that do do not like that. I've seen it, and I've even seen it with people close to me. If you say anything to their kid or you reprimand them in a way that even just to tell them, hey, like, don't do that, they might side-eye you, like, how are you talking to my kid like that? I've seen that, and it just really depends on the parent. That's why I feel like with friendships in adult friendships, and then you have the kid friendships, with the adult friendships, you have to be able to say, hey, can't we have to be honest with each other? Like, if you ever see my kid do something that you don't like, or you feel like, you know, my kid, I don't know, please tell me, you know, tell me what they did so that I can correct it, you know, and and not take shame in it. It's not like you're gonna come and I'm not gonna scold you for something that Luna did, you know. I may come to you and say, Darnina, I need to talk to you. You know, Luna said so-and-so to to Noah, let's say, hey, can we like, you know, let's address this so it doesn't happen again. But people, but if you get mad at me for it, then what do we do? You get what I'm saying? Like, you have to be open to hearing that your kid is also maybe not a saint sometimes.

SPEAKER_00 27:24

Your kid can be, you know, bullied. Let's do the word. It's crazy. Back in the day, the word bullying didn't exist. Uh it existed, but the word didn't exist. The word didn't, yeah, the term. But you could your kid can be bullied or your kid could be doing the bullied. And one way to know it's if you hear your child, also because nobody's child is perfect, talking bad about somebody, or or that's another thing. You kind of like, you know, don't talk bad about that friend. Just I'm teaching her, you know, if you have an issue with somebody, just try to talk to the person face to face. Don't be telling your other friend and your other friend. It's hard because at this age, and we all did it, it's like, oh, look what she said. La la la la. But you know, we trying, trying to, and it's gonna continue happening.

SPEAKER_02 28:09

It's just a matter of us like correcting.

SPEAKER_00 28:11

We do what we can.

SPEAKER_02 28:12

And I think at this age of the kids that we have, like the age range that they're in, this is the crucial age of kind of like opening up that door and telling them, like, like stopping them in their tracks when they're mean to each other. I have to do it in my household between the two brothers because oh yeah, they're they're kids, and you saw it the other day when you came to my house, they're constantly either fighting, and when Luna's here, it's like I think they fight for attention for Luna. And so then one is like, hey, Luna, and then the other one's trying to get attention over here, and then Luna's kind of like in the middle, you know. So, and then the other one's saying, I'm gonna punch you. No, I'm gonna punch you, and I'm like, Why put them both to sleep?

SPEAKER_00 28:46

By the way, you see Luna, like Jacob and Norla. No, Jacob stayed asleep, but Jacob was awake. That, yeah, that, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:55

Jacob, Jacob stayed awake, so it was kind of like I think they were they were all playing together, but again, the two brothers were trying to get the attention who's cooler, who's better, who does a better somersault flip on the freaking trampoline. You know, like this is a the kid stuff, and then they're fighting with each other because I'm gonna punch you. No, I'm gonna do that, and then Luna, hey, I think they're fighting, you know? And it's it and it's a constant thing, and I have to reprimand them and say, hey, no, like what you did is wrong. What you did is wrong. Go over there. Oh, you know what? I'm gonna put you to sleep. Oh, you know what? Luna's gonna go home. You know, it's it's it's if we don't do it, who's gonna do it? Exactly, you know?

SPEAKER_00 29:30

So we're detectives, we're psychologists, child psychologists, sometimes couple psychologists, too. It's a mess. All of it. So, okay, there's we can't control who their friends are. We're not gonna say, no, you're not gonna be friends with that person because she was mean to you. We're not gonna do that. She's not gonna stop being this girl's friend. Um, but again, I she had asked me, can I invite her to my birthday? And I'm like, nah, you have like 25 other good friends. No drama, no drama for mama, please. So, okay, but there are things that we can control uh to shape like the environment. So, one is you can you can control where they're gonna hang out. For example, if it's a kid that is a mess and it's gonna drive your insanity tooth off the wall, let's hang out at a park. Yeah, not in my household, yeah. Closed walls, exactly. Know who you invite to your home, that's obvious. Uh build daily connection moments with your kids because we want them, and this starts now, that they can open up to us, that they can tell us, mom, this person made me feel this, or or I was finding out things about Luna through her friend because she would tell her mom, like, oh Luna was crying because this, this, this. And I go, Why didn't she tell me? Tell me. So, this is something that I'm actually working on now. And when I said at the beginning of this episode that we do these research on topics that are very relevant to us, and then we learn. Absolutely, and it's beautiful because and I'm gonna go over this.

SPEAKER_02 31:05

Um, no, I was gonna say this is all a learning experience as we go. Again, we're not experts, yeah. We're two moms, we're in it, we're in the mix of it in everything that we're going through, trying to figure it out and end with like you know, less patience and less um and at the same time, we have husbands too.

SPEAKER_00 31:23

Like, let's not go into the whole yeah, thing that because it our nobody's relationship is perfect, okay. So, so build daily connections like car rides. I love that 20-minute drive to drop off Luna or pick her up. I love those rides. Um, cooking, bedtime chats. We've talked about this. I think that's the best time. That's when they just like pa and they open up and you're like, you need to go to bed.

SPEAKER_02 31:48

But you take advantage at this age because they don't want to go to bed usually when you tell them they have to go to bed, so they want to stay talking and they make any excuse to stay awake. So that's where I take advantage and ask questions, and that's when they want to keep talking and opening up, you know.

SPEAKER_00 32:02

The other day I was trying to put her to sleep. I always lay down with her and her eyes were wide open. And I'm like, okay, Luna, you need to go to bed because I still have things to do. Um, and I try to explain to her, mommies and daddies don't go to bed at the same time you do, you gotta go to bed early. And she was just wide awake, and I I was like, Okay, what are your thoughts? You're thinking about something, yeah, mom. And then she started talking about I'm she's always thinking about her friends. Luna's an only child right now. Um, and but she's so connected, like for her friendships are so important, and that's why this is also a huge concern. Like, who is she talking to? Who's influencing her emotions, her thoughts, all of that? Um, and she just started talking and talking, and I'm like, wow, and I left her room, and I'm like, I love it.

SPEAKER_02 32:52

Of course, because she feels more connected to her friendships, like, and then all that influences her even more because it she looks forward to spending time with that friend, and that friend might not be the best thing for her, you know. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 33:04

So, and another thing that we do, and that we can uh do experiments with them is like the role-playing of if your friend ever said this to you, what would that make you feel? Or kind of you have to take the time and listen to them, and if they're not ready to talk, you have to respect that too, and then maybe like bring it up like kind of like a game, and I don't know, finding a ways. I know you're looking for something.

SPEAKER_02 33:31

Can I do I have like a second to say something that now that we were just talking about this? Okay, I'm just thinking. So it's funny that you say that. So with my my five-year-olds, obviously, he's he's in kindergarten, and I did start seeing as he was coming home, I did start seeing that he was being even more like rebellious. He was getting super rebellious, he didn't want to do any homework whatsoever. I got a complaint from his teachers um now saying something of like, you know, I had a conference with a teacher saying that he was acting up, that he was not paying attention, and so on. But like prior to this conference, I remember telling Benjamin, hey, something's up with Noah. Like, I feel it, I don't know what it is. Like, it's weird that one day I was taking him to school. As I was taking him, he's always the kid that wants to socialize and be with his friends. And as we were getting to Carline, he goes, I don't want to go to school, I don't want to be here. And I said, Hmm, that's weird. It was a Friday. I remember it was a Friday. How long ago was this? This was probably like a month ago. A month ago, two months, like a month, a month and a half ago. And I know his teacher that had started with him was leaving. Like there was a lot of little things that were like going on. So I said, Okay, but it was weird to me as a mom and knowing my kid, because you know your kid, right? You know them. I said, something's up. And as I was taking him to school, the security guard opened up the door, and I told the security guard, he's like, Oh noah, huh? Come on, like, let's go. I'm gonna take you to school, whatever. And he was like, with this face, like, mm-hmm, like you know, he didn't say anything because he's very like um, come on so you say, proud, and he's not gonna say that in front of the security guard. But I told the security guard, no, he just didn't want to wake up today. Like, he didn't want to go to school. He's like, Oh, he's probably just having a bad day. He's like, I, you know, and I was like, Yeah, but it's just weird to me because he doesn't usually do that. He said, Well, keep an eye on it. And if you see that it keeps going on, then you know, obviously something must be up. So lo and behold, I'm just gonna get to it. I I did start seeing that he kept saying it more and more and more and more. So a new teacher came in. Um, I had a conference with her, I can't remember, like it was not that long ago. And she's like, Hey, listen, like, Noah's not paying attention, like he's just not focusing, he doesn't want to do his work. And then she's like, I have to tell him also, he wants to help this little girl that's next to him because she's like, you know, she's not reading too well and she's not doing well, and he always wants to give her the answers. And although that's very sweet of him, I keep telling him, like, no. So I just like started pinpointing everything, everything she was telling me, the way that he was behaving, and then I said, hmm. During this whole time, he keeps mentioning this one kid that I had not heard too much about, and he kept saying his name. He always hung out with this other one boy, but now there's this new boy that he had kept like talking about for like the past month, two months. But since he started talking about that kid, he started also saying he didn't want to go to school. Then he's also been acting a bad mom.

SPEAKER_00 36:06

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 36:06

And so I just started like connecting everything, right? And so in the conference, I say to the teacher, I don't know. I was like, he's very smart. He also gets very bored. I go, maybe you need to channel that energy another way. I'm not telling you to make him teacher's pet or anything like that, but maybe like use that to like feel like make him feel that he's useful because he loves to feel that he's useful, right? And then I was like, also, who is so and so? And I bring up the name, and she's like, Oh, she's like, Oh, and she like rolls her eyes and she's like, Oh my god, him, like, oh, and I was like, Well, I go, you know what I've noticed? And I told her, I was like, I've noticed that since he's been mentioning this name to me more often, and that he's been saying he doesn't want to go to school, and now you're telling me he's acting up also in school. Like, this little kid has also come up in all the conversations since this has been happening, and so she fills me in on the fact that this little kid is uh something, uh something else, you know what I mean? Like he's he's doesn't listen, he's always in his thing, and in that I pulled Noah because he was there. I said, Noah I want you to come over here so and so. Are you having issues with him? Because I don't know, something you know just tells me as a mom. Like, and then he says, Well, the other day we were at the playground and I don't know what happened, and then he pushed me. And the teacher looks at me and goes, You didn't tell me that. And I was like, and you didn't tell me that either. And he's like, and he stayed kind of like quiet. And she goes, Next time he does that to you, you need to like either like stop, come tell me, you know? And she's like, What did you do back? She's like, What no? Well, I yes, I will be like, defend yourself. But she, as a teacher, was like, You didn't push him, did you? What did you do when he did that? She's like, I didn't do anything. She's like, Okay, good, because you know pushing back is not correct. That's what the teacher told him, right? And I was like, Okay, so we started putting everything together, and just to cut a very long story short, he's still hanging out with the kid, but not so much. So the other day I see him in carpool and I said, Hey, they're so-and-so. And he goes, Yeah, whatever, mom, I'm not hanging out with him. Oh my god, they're gonna be best friends. He's not my friend. Oh my god, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 38:05

They're gonna be best friends in first when he cut gets to first.

SPEAKER_02 38:08

But what I'm saying is like something was going on. Yeah, and it's like if you don't become the detective, like you said, and you don't ask the questions and you don't open your eyes and like stop for a minute what you're doing, because I know it's very easy to get caught up in the day-to-day of life and not realize those little details. When you notice something is off, fish for it because there's always something. And it was, it was, it was that. And after that conference, he's been acting a lot better. The teacher says he's doing good, his grades are back up. You know what I mean? It was just something was going on, you know. So I just wanted to put it out there because I'm sure parents go through this all the time, and sometimes we just put it like, oh, they're having a bad day, you know, whatever, it's so dumb. Like, okay, that's just kids stuff, but no, there could be something affecting them, you know.

SPEAKER_00 38:50

Yeah, no, it's getting them to open, it's so important. And this what I finally found what I was looking for. One of the things that was saying that we can do as parents is not not ask the question, how was your day? I yes, how many people ask that how was cool as soon as they get in the car? How's cool? How was cool? Or how was your day? Mm-mm. So when I read that, I'm like, wait, what do you mean I can't ask that? I ask that every day. Yeah. So I went online and I go, okay, what questions can you ask if you're not gonna ask how was your day? Yeah, you know, so I am gonna go over them, and it's probably gonna be the best part of this episode. Take notes because I bet you every part, every parent has this issue, especially the first week of school. Yeah, do you make any friends?

SPEAKER_02 39:41

What's your name? This and that, you're like bombarding them with all these questions, and they they literally just shut down.

SPEAKER_00 39:46

They shut down. So, okay, so I'm gonna go over a list of questions. We're gonna do this quick, don't worry, because it's a lot. So, questions that get them talking about their day. What was the best part of your day today? What was the funniest thing that happened today? Did anything surprise you today? What was something new you learned? What was the most interesting thing your teacher said? She loves her teachers, so and she's always saying that her teacher is super funny. So, like, I I'm gonna be like, you know, what did she do that was the funniest today? You gotta switch up. Find the questions. So, and then questions about friends and social life. Read these. This one, questions. Okay, so I am so ronka.

SPEAKER_02 40:29

My voice is like it says these reveal how they're interacting with others. So you could say, Who did you sit with at lunch today? I've asked her that. I do ask that as well. And I bombard sometimes. They, but I'm telling you, they shut down on me, like stop asking. Uh, what game did you play at recess? I asked that as well. So, what did you do at recess today? What game because because you know what? Sometimes they're playing these games, and I'm just like, who invented that game? And like, why are you talking about these scary monsters and all this stuff? Like, just weird stuff that I'm like, uh, anyways. And then uh, did anyone do something kind for you today? That's a good one. Yeah. Uh, did you do something kind for someone else? Or uh who made you laugh the most today? Those are good questions.

SPEAKER_00 41:11

Those are good, and there's some more that's what you want me to do or you're wrong. Go for it. Questions that encourage reflection. Yeah, here you are. So, this is great for building emotional intelligence. What was something that felt hard today? What made you feel proud today? Did anything frustrate you? What would you change about today if you could? When did you feel really happy today? Oh my, I love these. Yeah, I love these.

SPEAKER_02 41:36

I mean, I don't think I'd ask these questions like you know, all of them in a day. No, just obviously.

SPEAKER_00 41:40

No, and then another thing, they say just one a day.

SPEAKER_02 41:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:43

Just one a day. Don't be like, hey, honey, we're gonna go over a list of questions that I heard about in my life.

SPEAKER_02 41:49

Yeah, this is another class for you.

SPEAKER_00 41:51

So, okay, and then this one imagination and creative questions.

SPEAKER_02 41:56

Okay, so it says, uh, kids often open up more when things feel playful, which is very true. Sometimes you have to do playing. Yeah, even homework. What I was explaining earlier. Yeah, even homework is like, let's make this a play thing so that they actually finish. Um, if today was a movie, what would the title be? Oh, that's good. I don't have them like thinking of Oh, I like that one. I might do that one today. It says uh the next one is What Moment Today Deserves a Gold Medal? That's cute. That'd be like the Olympics. Like, what was the best part? You know? Uh, if your teacher gave an award today, what would you win? Oh, that's a good one. I'd want to know. I'd want to know what my kids would say with that one. Um, and what was today's plot twist? Well, if your kids are too small and they don't understand plot twist, it'll be like, what was today's What made today different? Different. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:45

What was the surprise for you?

SPEAKER_02 42:47

Yeah, maybe that. That's cool. And then you've got the connection questions, which you could read, which is great at dinner or bedtime.

SPEAKER_00 42:53

Okay, so these would be what made you smile today? What's something you're looking forward to tomorrow? Did anything make you feel nervous or worried? What's something you wish I knew about your day? I like that one. I like that one. And then, um, okay, so and regarding friendships, okay, because that's another one. She goes, Mom, can I be friends with this person? What do we do? We're not gonna be like, no, you can't be friends with them. So, one thing not to say is I told you that friend was bad news. Yeah, that's something that we shouldn't say.

SPEAKER_02 43:29

You know what? I could see that becoming like a catch 22. You say that, and then it makes them be a little bit more inclined to see why you're saying that.

SPEAKER_00 43:36

Or they go to school saying, My mom said that I can be your friend, because that's another one. Now she's saying everything. She repeats it. She repeats everything that she learns. She wants to talk about everything that she learned. Oh my god, an art class the other day. You know, I get this message from her teacher saying, Oh, the art teacher came saying, complaining about Luna. They were playing with red paint. And she started telling the kids, Do you have Deecious Christ blood in your hands?

SPEAKER_02 44:06

And what was it? What was the art? I mean, you could say it's a good thing.

SPEAKER_00 44:09

I mean, she's very creative. It's not, I mean, she's associating the color with blood with Jesus because now she's obsessed with learning. Going to church and all. I love that. Um, but she said it, and and I'm thinking, oh, wait, what's your teacher's last name? The art? Oh, okay. Yeah, she's not Christian. I don't think with that last name. Anyway, um, so yeah, they they say the craziest things. Why I don't remember why I said that, but I had to throw it in there that they repeat everything. They repeat everything, so they'll be, you know, my mom said we can be friends. So I try to, that's another one. I'm trying to teach her what we talk about here, stays here.

SPEAKER_02 44:50

Oh my god, but it doesn't work. Not at this age. I don't think they understand. I mean, I think you have to keep telling them that, but I think at this age, they really just don't know how there's their innocence, it's just like they spill it.

SPEAKER_00 45:00

Or they, you know, in my case, she went after the Super Bowl that she went and she told the whole class and she imitated me that when Bad Bunny came out, I was acting like a savage animal on the floor. She's because I was sitting on the floor and I was excited, and she goes to school, and the teacher's like, Well, your daughter just imitated you. And I'm like, Really? So, so careful with what to say, what to say about their friends, because then she'll tell her friend, her friend will tell the parents, oh, Luna's mom is saying this. No, it's it becomes a drama that you don't want, no mama drama. I'm like, why? I'm I'm I'm in midlife and going through school drama. Come on. So, what to say, it could be things like, How did that make you feel? What that friend did to you or said to you. What do you like about that friendship? I ask her that all the time when now she has a new friend which she loves, and I'm like, What do you like about her friend? She's very nice, she's a good friend, and and that's actually a friend that I really love. And her parents and us were very weak in how we want to raise our kids, how we are against cell phone use and and the video games and all that at this age. So that's that's an adult friendship that I'm very happy with. The friends and the kid, the yeah, which is great. The parents and dynamics. So, another question that you can say about if your kid is having a problem with somebody, do you ever feel uncomfortable when you're with that friend? Kind of like getting them to talk a little bit, and the goal is to help kids learn to evaluate the friendships on their own instead of without you forcing without you saying this person is this, this. It's more saying, How did that person make you feel? Yeah, and that way they can kind of start to understand who they want to keep around and process. Yeah. So, anyway, that was my my insight.

SPEAKER_02 46:59

I think I think it's a good episode. There's a lot of good takeaways here, especially uh uh for parents that are listening. Yeah, and I mean, I think we all go through these things, and again, we're learning, right? I mean, I've heard from parents that have older kids, like they're like, Oh, you don't know, wait till you get the the bigger problems. So, right now, this is where we're at. It's you know, cuatro ojos at all times, you know, you don't need to interrogate your child, but definitely be a detective, and you know when your kid there's something going on, and you need to see what is causing that. And it could be very well something that's happening in our own household, it could be very well again in school and with the kids that are they're being influenced by.

SPEAKER_00 47:39

Yeah, but uh, and I know that there's many parents that don't have all the time that I feel that I am very fortunate to have around her. Um, and they probably can't listen to everything that the kid is trying to say, they're busy. One day, Luna, I said, Why aren't you playing with your toys, mom? Because I'm always busy. Homework, now tennis, dance, plans without my friends. So I, you know, sometimes we have to um hit the brake a little bit and listen to what they have to say. And again, find these moments in the car, uh, whenever they're ready to open up. Like if you I know you might be on a really important phone conversation, you finish that call, you finish that job, and then try to get back to where your kid was when he was trying to open up. And that list of questions, I'm gonna pass it to you. If anybody wants, I'll pass it to them. Because I and it says one a day. Yeah, no, now you're not gonna bombard them with 20. How was your day? I mean, no, that's the one that we don't want to do. What's the funniest thing that happened? What made you happy? Now, like one a day. Yeah, I I've done that before.

SPEAKER_02 48:46

I think you know what's a good takeaway from this to maybe carve the time out and say, whatever your schedule is, and if you feel that maybe you're not being able to be as present, you know, or fortunate enough to like you, you know, you work all day long and then you get home, and we understand that. Definitely we understand like not being able to have so much time, but maybe carving out whether it's 15 minutes of your time, whether that be at night, in the daytime, or whatever time you have, whatever your schedule is, and say, Okay, those 15 minutes I dedicate to just listening to my kid and kind of bonding, and that's it. So at least you start to get some information and you can see what's going on with your child, you know, and not be surprised later.

SPEAKER_00 49:22

Yeah, and even uh something that I I just thought, even when you because sometimes you go to restaurants and you see obviously the kid with the iPad, the kid with the phone, uh, the parents probably doing the same thing, or and one way that if you feel that there could be something going on and you want your kid to talk, it's maybe we're gonna go to your to a restaurant and you go to a place that you know that he likes, but today it's no phone. And then we're all gonna play a question game. Each one is you're gonna ask a question to your mommy, you're gonna ask a question to your daddy, make it a game. You have the voice, make it a game. They can ask questions to each other and try to get that one question where you feel that your kid is gonna open up. Um, I don't know, it's finding ways. I wanted to close with this. Are you is there anything else you want to say? No, no, just that that was my takeaway. But oh, I like this. So, takeaway parenting includes navigating friendships that you didn't choose. The kids are choosing them, and they have all the right. You gotta trust your instincts, yeah, and you have to stay present, which is what we were talking about. And this is a beautiful closing thought that I want to read. Um, so you're not trying to control who they meet, you're helping them become strong enough to stay themselves around anyone so they can be themselves, they don't have to be, you know, what their friends want them to be or talk the way their friends are talking, be themselves, be happy with who they are, and they that gives them you know that self-esteem that they need.

SPEAKER_02 50:50

And as they get older, which is the importance that they stay true to who they are, yeah, no matter who's around them. Yep, and that is our takeaway.

SPEAKER_00 50:59

Yes, I hope you enjoy the show. Uh, hit us up on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, TikTok, everywhere.

SPEAKER_02 51:06

All of it.

SPEAKER_00 51:07

All of it. Thanks, guys. See you next week. Wednesday. Yep. See you next Wednesday.

SPEAKER_02 51:13

Yeah, I see you next week. Oh, you didn't say that. You said see you next week, and you didn't finish. So I said Wednesday. Wednesday. Anyways, bye guys. Bye guys.